My Struggle with Winter Blues and the Uphill Battle Ahead to Find Myself. Again…
Embracing vulnerability and finding the strength to act when everything feels hard
Dear Duniyawaalo (People of the World),
Have you ever woken up, looked outside at the gray skies, and felt a weight you just could not shake off?
Winters have always been brutal for me. This one is no exception. My energy is low, and motivation seems to come and go like fleeting moments.
I usually share the good things in my life and the moments that bring me joy. But today, I want to share the other side — the struggle I face this time of year.
Two winters ago, I mentioned to my HIP running group that I was feeling down and needed a Lift Me. One member suggested I might be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). At the time, I brushed it off. “Not me,” I thought.
But this winter has been the hardest I can remember. Some days, it felt like I was reliving all the emotions from seven years ago when I was deep in the depths of depression.
It felt a like a wave of déjà vu pulling me back to a place I hoped I would never have to visit again.
What is frustrating is that I know what has worked for me in the past. I know I have the tools. I have the experience. Yet, tapping into those earlier solutions feels like trying to move a mountain.
I have pushed myself to get outside, lift weights, and go for runs. But the joy I once found in those things feels distant. Every attempt feels like a massive effort, and even the things I used to turn to for comfort feel empty.
One thing that helped me before was taking on bigger, bolder challenges and sharing my journey on social media.
Social media for me became more than just posting updates — it was a tool for discipline.
It kept me accountable, and I inspired others along the way—something I never expected. But this time, even doing that feels like an uphill climb.
Ironically, I know that doing things that challenge me the most are the very things that could help me feel better. Yet, taking that first step feels like standing at the edge of a cliff.
I fell into old habits and sought comfort in food, the occasional drinks, and binging on varied sources of entertainment. I was searching for comfort but ended up feeling even more disconnected.
It feels as if my whole mind and body have forgotten what “better” feels like.
Seven years ago, at my lowest point, I weighed 311 pounds. With the support of my family and friends and sheer determination, I lost 70 pounds over three years. When I ran the Chicago Marathon in October 2024, I was at 252 pounds — a reminder of how far I had come.
Yesterday, I stepped on the scale and saw 275 pounds!!!
That number hit me hard. Five years ago, I promised myself never to let my weight creep into the 270s again. And yet, here I am.
It was like the universe was giving me a wake-up call, not just about the weight but about my overall well-being and the promises I made to myself.
I am not sharing this for sympathy. I am sharing it for honesty.
Life is not always about the wins and highlights. There are hard days, hard months — even hard seasons. Acknowledging that is my first step toward getting back on track.
So, what now?
I am going back to the basics — what I know works. Small steps. One day at a time. I might not feel like it right now, but experience has taught me that action — no matter how small — is the way forward.
I know my family, friends, and running groups have my back. And I know I can count on them.
Most importantly, I can count on myself, even when it feels hard.
If you are going through something similar, please know you are not alone.
Progress is not always linear. Sometimes, the most courageous thing you can do is to acknowledge you are struggling.
This is me doing just that and taking that crucial first step.
Here is to the small steps, the tough days, and the courage to begin… again.
❤️Rajneesh